CarWhore
03-12-2009, 03:57 PM
The other day I was reading the local newspaper and came across an ad for Alcoholics Anonymous. I was so sick of drinking by myself that I thought that hanging out with a bunch of other alcoholics would be great. After gathering up all my delicious beverage necessities, I went to the building holding the meeting. These are the chronicles of my adventure at Alcoholics Anonymous.
I arrived early and started drinking in the parking lot. It was a hot night so the cold beers hit the spot. An older guy pulled up in an old rusty beat up Ford truck. I got out of the car and approached him.
Kingpin: Hey man, you here for AA?
Guy #1: Yeah.
Kingpin: I?m Kingpin, you want a beer or something?
Guy #1: He looks around like I?m trying to set him up or something.
Guy #1: I don?t know man, I?m an alcoholic.
Kingpin: I got whiskey, too, if that?s your poison.
Guy #1: I don?t know, I really shouldn?t.
Kingpin: You better man the fuck up and take a shot...pussy!
Guy #1: Well, I guess one shot won?t hurt.
Kingpin: Awesome! That?s what I?m talking about!
I pour him a shot of Kentucky Deluxe and he let out a deep breath before downing the sweet nectar of the gods that owned him for the last 30 years. After he drank the shot I high fived him and gave him a slap on the ass as I cracked open another beer.
Guy #1: Damn that was good, that?s what I needed. Can I get another shot?
Kingpin: I tell you what, I got some glasses and ice, go ahead and pour you a glass on the rocks.
Guy #1: Thanks man, you?re awesome.
Kingpin: I know.
A few more people show up and walk over to us only to see us drinking.
?Are you guys drinking?? the first guy asks.
?Yeah, you want a beer or shot or something?? I replied.
?Well, I don?t know, what kind of beer is it??
?Free beer, motherfucker! You?re the pickiest fucking alcoholic I?ve ever seen.?
?Sorry, I didn?t mean to sound picky. I was just curious.?
?Curiosity killed the cat. Drink this shot of Jager and I?ll give you a beer.?
I pour shots of Jager for all the new guys and they all make faces like pussies. After laughing at them, I passed out beers to everyone and started making small talk. Once we polished off a case of beer, we went into the meeting, but not without the ice chest. We all found seats and waited patiently sipping on our refreshing booze until the ?leader? arrived.
?Hello everyone, sorry I?m late. I was volunteering at a shelter and got?.are you guys drinking?!?!? the leader asked.
My reply was sweet and to the point: ?Hell yeah we are, what are you going to do about it??
?Well, I tell you what I?m going to do, I?m confiscating your cooler.?
?Like hell you are. Over my dead liver!?
I stood up, downed my beer and got into the drunken boxer stance. This fighting style is my greatest strength. He walked up and I threw possibly the slowest punch in the history of drunken boxing. He didn?t even have to dodge it because I was way off. While laying on the ground trying to figure out how I got there I shouted out ?Get him boys!? and a swarm of drunken men pounced on him like pedophiles on Miley Cyrus. We tied him up and made him bong an entire liter of Kentucky Deluxe. I then invented a new drinking game where every time he threw up, you drank once, and every time he cried and tried to get out of the ropes, you drank twice.
After talking to the cops and explaining to them that I didn?t have to give them my name because this group was Anonymous, they agreed to let me go as long as I promised to never attend another meeting again. We left to the parking lot and sat on tailgates as we finished off another case of beer. Then everyone slowly started heading home. Harold was the first to leave and took off after hitting three parked cars. Once everyone had left, I went home and passed out. I?m no longer welcome at AA.
I arrived early and started drinking in the parking lot. It was a hot night so the cold beers hit the spot. An older guy pulled up in an old rusty beat up Ford truck. I got out of the car and approached him.
Kingpin: Hey man, you here for AA?
Guy #1: Yeah.
Kingpin: I?m Kingpin, you want a beer or something?
Guy #1: He looks around like I?m trying to set him up or something.
Guy #1: I don?t know man, I?m an alcoholic.
Kingpin: I got whiskey, too, if that?s your poison.
Guy #1: I don?t know, I really shouldn?t.
Kingpin: You better man the fuck up and take a shot...pussy!
Guy #1: Well, I guess one shot won?t hurt.
Kingpin: Awesome! That?s what I?m talking about!
I pour him a shot of Kentucky Deluxe and he let out a deep breath before downing the sweet nectar of the gods that owned him for the last 30 years. After he drank the shot I high fived him and gave him a slap on the ass as I cracked open another beer.
Guy #1: Damn that was good, that?s what I needed. Can I get another shot?
Kingpin: I tell you what, I got some glasses and ice, go ahead and pour you a glass on the rocks.
Guy #1: Thanks man, you?re awesome.
Kingpin: I know.
A few more people show up and walk over to us only to see us drinking.
?Are you guys drinking?? the first guy asks.
?Yeah, you want a beer or shot or something?? I replied.
?Well, I don?t know, what kind of beer is it??
?Free beer, motherfucker! You?re the pickiest fucking alcoholic I?ve ever seen.?
?Sorry, I didn?t mean to sound picky. I was just curious.?
?Curiosity killed the cat. Drink this shot of Jager and I?ll give you a beer.?
I pour shots of Jager for all the new guys and they all make faces like pussies. After laughing at them, I passed out beers to everyone and started making small talk. Once we polished off a case of beer, we went into the meeting, but not without the ice chest. We all found seats and waited patiently sipping on our refreshing booze until the ?leader? arrived.
?Hello everyone, sorry I?m late. I was volunteering at a shelter and got?.are you guys drinking?!?!? the leader asked.
My reply was sweet and to the point: ?Hell yeah we are, what are you going to do about it??
?Well, I tell you what I?m going to do, I?m confiscating your cooler.?
?Like hell you are. Over my dead liver!?
I stood up, downed my beer and got into the drunken boxer stance. This fighting style is my greatest strength. He walked up and I threw possibly the slowest punch in the history of drunken boxing. He didn?t even have to dodge it because I was way off. While laying on the ground trying to figure out how I got there I shouted out ?Get him boys!? and a swarm of drunken men pounced on him like pedophiles on Miley Cyrus. We tied him up and made him bong an entire liter of Kentucky Deluxe. I then invented a new drinking game where every time he threw up, you drank once, and every time he cried and tried to get out of the ropes, you drank twice.
After talking to the cops and explaining to them that I didn?t have to give them my name because this group was Anonymous, they agreed to let me go as long as I promised to never attend another meeting again. We left to the parking lot and sat on tailgates as we finished off another case of beer. Then everyone slowly started heading home. Harold was the first to leave and took off after hitting three parked cars. Once everyone had left, I went home and passed out. I?m no longer welcome at AA.